i havent really realised i been in a depression mood for mths until someone had told me i been depressed for awhile. since when me n u were tgt till now, it jus kept getting frm bad to worse and to worst.
i tot break up is a solution but instead i found out it was a cowardly act. i dig my own grave n i am suffering the consequences right now. fine i am stupid n too rash in acting. but i nvr once stop loving u. so wad if i dumped u once, twice? yes i admit i am an asshole, jerk or bastard. i done it due to my own selfish reason. i used to tot it was for ur own good but it was all for myself.
u raised my hope so high up the night before and today it came all crashing down and even worse i juz cant take it when u did those things to urself. it was all my fucking fault. i am so not going to blame anyone else except for myself.
it hurts. really hurts tat much. i juz couldnt be myself for these few mths anymore. wad am i supposed to do when u were the most impt part in my life? i juz lose it and feeling all empty and heart broken. my heart today was shattered. i dunno wad emotions am i supposed to show anymore. i cant face anything right now..
all back in my room bring all our memories back tgt. looking thru the gifts u gave, the DIY stuffs u made for me. browsing thru the photo album refreshes our sweet memories during our 1st r/s. looking at the puzzle makes me remember loving memories during our 2nd r/s. i regret. i really really regret.
we hid things frm one n other until recently we thrash the entire thing out. was it too late? i think so but i am still so not giving up. i tried my very best to woo u back. i changed, i gave in becox i know tat i am a really lousy bf. i am juz a short tempered, childish kid tat wans everything in his way nvr sparing a thought for u. all becox of u, i listened to every single detail for the past mth, i am willing to change. for ur sake, my sake n most imptly to salvage our r/s.
wad else do u wan frm me? pls stop asking me to give up. pls stop telling me tat u r not worth it. pls stop telling me tat u r bad gal tat dun worth my time n effort. why mus u always haf negative thoughts abt our r/s. u have been saying all these since we haf been tgt frm the start but i nvr ever feel it tat way, esp right now. u always said i nvr loved u, nvr missed u, nvr cared abt u but i haf always loved u, always missing u, always cared abt u. u r always my number 1. u failed to realise tat or maybe i didnt show it too obviously cox i am a inner person which u nvr had expected.
i havent been slping well for mths. i couldnt slp cox once i closed my eyes i see u. i missed u badly, real badly. i wan u to slp in my arms again, to be able to see u the first time in the morning when i wakes up. i can only rely on alcohol to slp and is getting frm bad to worse cox alcohol doesnt seem to be any use anymore unless i consumed quite a heavy dosage.
i changed so much lately becox of u. i sped becox of u. i been 'insulted' & 'humiliated' by my cousins n sis becox fo u. i quarrel wif my mum becox of u. i cried in front of my mum n sis becox of u. i juz dun seem to be myself anymore. i am becoming a loser, a total loser, useless bum. oh crap, i juz cant help it.
all i am waiting is juz a 'yes' or 'i do'. i know is really difficult for u. trust is hard to gain back when is broken not only once but twice. i am at lost. i dunno wad else can i do to prove my sincerity, my love.
this will be my last entry. blog is closed.
i hate myself ttm tat i dun feel like living anymore.
