sun met up wif ahgua aka weekee for a lunch & movie. watch the expendables. its a totally guy show. after tat i have to accompany this retard to walk all the way frm ps to shaw centre to take his stupid lens -.- i was shag out frm the walk. took train back to ps to meet carina for another movie! grown ups. fantastic movie! it is so super funny. ate at thai xpress and she treat me! :) thanx pal. a pity kahmun, my buddy couldnt make it! :( MAKE UP TO ME KAHMUN!

juz now met up wif bodoh at jp first as she wanted to do some stationary shopping. i had to help her hold a retarded soft toy and tat thing is not small at all pls -.- fine nvm went back to hostel to put her stuffs then cab down to somerset. ate the handburger and it was a treat frm her. thanks bodoh :) i finished the burger within 6 mouth =x i gt a big mouth =D nutella milkshake + marshmallow is ultimately sinful.

kx 'surprisingly' pop by n she bought a small caramel cake. thanx kx. after tat we went shopping! n i bought 2 tops -.- drop by canele. even more sinful crepes. nutella + caramel is heaven man. we chat frm 7-10+ till the shop closes. okay n i decided to buy the snow skin mooncake from there for my godmum, cox it haf 8 different exotic tastes and it seems nice. i went to toilet a total of 4 times and maybe i think i gt a serious bladder prob =x

rush down to yishun for k session wif L.O.Jz! till 3am+ surprisingly my mum agreed to let me go. well i am back home n i am missing u. BADLY. SUPER BADLY.

looked at my gifts tat u made for me. i wish u were here. i dun need any fancy gifts cox all i wanted is u.

oh well looks like the appeal had worked n i am still fighting.. i dunno wad the outcome will be but i am crawling n fighting my way out. everything seems to be normal, starting to eat n slp as normal. starting to go online n tok n going out wif friends. sry to make so many pple worried. this small kid still needs more time and indeed he is still a small childish boy.

but anyway updates updates. on fri my family went to take a family portrait. the package was bought during my sis NUS commencement. end cost was 1.5k =.= it was WOW man but once in a lifetime thing lah. after tat lunch wif family at EU sq i think? some jap lunch buffet, jap buffet at SPH there is still so much better though.

night went to MBS to 'celebrate' my bday wif L.O.Jz. celebrate = drinking session. 1 vodka, 1.5 dozen of beer, 1.5bottle of martell, 1 red wine. OKAY DE LAH~ noted, allen is one crazy asshole.

tonight by right we would have patched. shit happens n things crop up. being alright is a thing i have to do and i finally have the courage n strength to move on. i am still trying hard, real hard. dun give up ur hope on me pls my dear. i aint giving up so pls, dun give up on me too.

looks like today is the final straw after u told me u were tgt wif him. yeap i guess tats de ending. dun wan to know whether is real or anot cox it only hurts when i get to know more. be happy, i know u will =) take lots n lots of care. i wish u all de best.

i really wan to thank you for teaching me lots of stuffs. thank you for loving me so deeply. thank you for loving my family as well. thank you for being so tolerate wif me. thank you for being ever such sweet. thank you for loving me n being wif me for 2 times.

so sry for hurting u. sry for letting u go, not once but twice. sry for not trusting u. sry for being a jerk & an asshole. sry for not being live up to ur expectations. sry for making empty promises. sry for not being there when u need me. esp sry to took so long to realise i loved u tat deeply n to settle down.

i learn the meaning of love at the cost of losing u. i wonder does tat worth it? if really had to make a decision, i wont choose no but it is unfair to u. cox u wont be happy wif me.

guess letting go is a process of growing up. i am so not strong enuff to do tat but i haf to, i gt no choice. these 2 mths i tried my v best, but maybe still not good enuff. is juz like sparring, i let u go twice. i lost my 1st n 2nd round. when 3rd round i suddenly woke up n fighting hard to win back some points to make it a draw. into the sudden death match when i couldnt score any points even though u nearly gave in 3 times. n u suddenly decide to cut contact for a mth but is juz been 5 days. is painful for me esp seeing u going out wif him n finally getting tgt wif him. after sudden death without any points, judges (who is u) decide tat i lost the match. i put on my everything on the line but like u said, it has been too late.

yea too late i guess. sometimes i hate myself for not being sensible n mature enuff, not being able to look at things in ur perspective. after realising so much, falling so deep, thought so much, in the end i haf to give up. so reluctant. jus so reluctant. got to blame myself for everything i guess.

kiddish me, is time to grow up.

best wishes.

regret that i took so long to realise everything.

alright sup peeps! i am back but well still healing in process. moved frm ICU to normal ward le :) so yea dun wry guys! at least i am out frm my lowest peak but dun think i will be updating much unless there is an event or wad. most probably will be my family outings :) BORING? yea i know but bo bians. I AM A HOME BOY :D :D not much happening stuffs de! hehehex.







initially we planned to fly kite BUT my pattern... go there do wad? RELAX EAT EAT N EAT! =x play abit of monopoly card games as well though~ oh oh nxt wed L.O.Jz going kite flying as well! oh man~ now the in thing is kite flying? =/ i shall go get a few kites for them!

i missed out the fun wif u. i regret.

i havent really realised i been in a depression mood for mths until someone had told me i been depressed for awhile. since when me n u were tgt till now, it jus kept getting frm bad to worse and to worst.

i tot break up is a solution but instead i found out it was a cowardly act. i dig my own grave n i am suffering the consequences right now. fine i am stupid n too rash in acting. but i nvr once stop loving u. so wad if i dumped u once, twice? yes i admit i am an asshole, jerk or bastard. i done it due to my own selfish reason. i used to tot it was for ur own good but it was all for myself.

u raised my hope so high up the night before and today it came all crashing down and even worse i juz cant take it when u did those things to urself. it was all my fucking fault. i am so not going to blame anyone else except for myself.

it hurts. really hurts tat much. i juz couldnt be myself for these few mths anymore. wad am i supposed to do when u were the most impt part in my life? i juz lose it and feeling all empty and heart broken. my heart today was shattered. i dunno wad emotions am i supposed to show anymore. i cant face anything right now..

all back in my room bring all our memories back tgt. looking thru the gifts u gave, the DIY stuffs u made for me. browsing thru the photo album refreshes our sweet memories during our 1st r/s. looking at the puzzle makes me remember loving memories during our 2nd r/s. i regret. i really really regret.

we hid things frm one n other until recently we thrash the entire thing out. was it too late? i think so but i am still so not giving up. i tried my very best to woo u back. i changed, i gave in becox i know tat i am a really lousy bf. i am juz a short tempered, childish kid tat wans everything in his way nvr sparing a thought for u. all becox of u, i listened to every single detail for the past mth, i am willing to change. for ur sake, my sake n most imptly to salvage our r/s.

wad else do u wan frm me? pls stop asking me to give up. pls stop telling me tat u r not worth it. pls stop telling me tat u r bad gal tat dun worth my time n effort. why mus u always haf negative thoughts abt our r/s. u have been saying all these since we haf been tgt frm the start but i nvr ever feel it tat way, esp right now. u always said i nvr loved u, nvr missed u, nvr cared abt u but i haf always loved u, always missing u, always cared abt u. u r always my number 1. u failed to realise tat or maybe i didnt show it too obviously cox i am a inner person which u nvr had expected.

i havent been slping well for mths. i couldnt slp cox once i closed my eyes i see u. i missed u badly, real badly. i wan u to slp in my arms again, to be able to see u the first time in the morning when i wakes up. i can only rely on alcohol to slp and is getting frm bad to worse cox alcohol doesnt seem to be any use anymore unless i consumed quite a heavy dosage.

i changed so much lately becox of u. i sped becox of u. i been 'insulted' & 'humiliated' by my cousins n sis becox fo u. i quarrel wif my mum becox of u. i cried in front of my mum n sis becox of u. i juz dun seem to be myself anymore. i am becoming a loser, a total loser, useless bum. oh crap, i juz cant help it.

all i am waiting is juz a 'yes' or 'i do'. i know is really difficult for u. trust is hard to gain back when is broken not only once but twice. i am at lost. i dunno wad else can i do to prove my sincerity, my love.

this will be my last entry. blog is closed.

i hate myself ttm tat i dun feel like living anymore.

Yu Zhe
19
31/08/90
SPTKD
CCHMS/VJC wushu team

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